he loves me...

When I was around twelve, my youngest aunt got married. I recall the discourse within the family about her having to lose weight prior to the wedding...at her fiancé's insistence. He refused to marry her until she was thin enough. The women of the family were aghast at this...but as a preteen, it was a defining moment in my life. Prior to that, I believed that a knight in shining armor would sweep me off of my feet and take my hand in marriage once the time was right. I felt worthy of love, regardless of my size. I never considered having to look a certain way in order to find a man who would want to make me his wife. The idea that my weight stood in the way of my happily-ever-after was a bitter pill to swallow.

At that point in my life I assumed that I would either spend my life alone, settle for a man that I wasn't in love with, or with a man who felt my worth was based on my dress size. I expected to be demeaned and insulted by my husband if I was too fat. Never in a million years did I expect to find a man that loved every part of me. At best, I thought I might find someone who loved my personality enough to overlook my rubenesque figure.

I found him in a twenty something chatroom. I was a college graduate, and he was a sophomore at Georgia Tech. A short little Italian from northern Virginia, eight years my junior. We had nothing going for ourselves as a couple, but I met him and it was over for me. I had never known a love like that. He loved me in a way that every girl dreams of. He didn't love me in spite of my weight...as a matter of fact, he loved my outside as much as my inside. He was everything I ever wanted and more...I felt like the luckiest girl in the world...and I didn't think that I deserved him.

The first few years of our relationship were dynamic. There was a significant push and pull related to my feeling of worthlessness. We got married five years after we met, and it wasn't until our second year of marriage that I realized that I was, in fact, deserving of him. Shortly after the birth of our first child, I saw a marriage counselor on my own. It was through this I came to understand that our relationship would never survive as long as I felt that he could do better. I woke up...and with this awakening, our marriage grew stronger.

Our eleventh wedding anniversary is nearly a month away. I sit here with two sons and the love of my life...and my weight did not hold me back from having the life I always dreamed of. I was one of the lucky ones that was able to find happiness before my weight loss. In many ways it was a blessing, because I will always know that I was enough for him, even as a fat girl.

Steve, the weekend we met, 1996

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Steve, 2007

Steve and Graham, 2011

Steve, Graham and Simon, 2013

Me and Steve, 2010

Steve and the boys,2013

Our little family, 2013