I would feel much worse for him if I had gone into this weight loss thing for aesthetics, but my sole purpose was to feel better. The effort it took just to stand up and saunter across the room was physically and mentally exhausting. Forget getting up off of the floor...it was nearly impossible. I think Steve tolerates my new figure because he knows that I feel better. That's not to say I'm not rattling on about every little change that is happening to me. No doubt he tires of the Weight Watcher point counting and workout discussions. I'm certain my attitude has changed as well. I am happier most days, but I have my moments...those days when my (Weight Watchers) points are dwindling and all I want to do is eat. Resisting the urge to put a fork in my mouth can be agonizing at times....but in the end it is worth it. That is, until I get tired of doing this and start getting fat again. Isn't that what some of you are thinking? I would be lying if I said the thought hasn't crossed my mind. I am far from naive when it comes to the weight loss game. I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds in my life. It is not the losing that intimidates me...it is the maintenance. It is falling off the wagon and finding the courage to get back on that scares me the most.
My first slip since beginning this journey in May of last year occurred Easter weekend. I counted my Weight Watcher points until Easter Sunday, then gave up and dipped into my Easter candy without counting. That said, I didn't eat with reckless abandon...but I stopped counting points. By Monday, I was up 2.2 pounds. I got right back on the wagon following my Monday weigh in, and was able to lose exactly 2.2 pounds that week....I am currently down a grand total of 95.4 pounds. I have about 5 - 10 more pounds until I reach my goal weight. These last few pounds are killing me...but mostly because I am afraid of what happens next. Where will I focus my attention when there is no more weight to lose?
I work out religiously. There are some mornings that the bed is calling for me to climb back in when the alarm goes off at 4:25 AM, but I still get up and go. Blowing off one morning is not an option...sick or not, I HAVE to go. It is a slippery slope...the minute I skip one work out, it will make future workouts more easy to blow off...so I just have to do it. I never regret it when am walking out of the gym at 6:15 AM..it is probably one of my favorite parts of the he day.
My body has become a stranger to me. I don't know this place covered with hills and valleys I've never seen. Bones...nobody told me about the bones. A couple of months ago, I plopped down in my car and thought I was sitting on something. I repositioned, and still I felt it. I slipped my hand beneath me figuring the kids had left a hot wheel on my seat, but there was nothing. That's when it hit me...my tail bone. I didn't even know it was possible to feel it when I sat down. Protruding hip bones, ribs and my bumpy sternum. I just never knew what it felt like to have a normal body, sans the fluff.
As far as I have come, my eyes always go to the parts of my body that have been damaged by carrying all of the excess weight over the years. This temple is a train wreck. There is no getting away from it. No matter how many times people tell me to embrace it because it tells how far I've come, I hate it. I want it gone. I suppose it is the price I must pay for spending most of my life eating whatever, whenever. So for today, I appreciate the little things. As I type this I am sitting on a airplane bound for Tampa. The first time in my entire life I have actually had to TIGHTEN the seatbelt. I used to have to ask for extensions...it brings tears to my eyes. When my father was alive and Steve and I were dating, my dad would always make Steve promise to get me a seatbelt extension when we'd fly. I was always too embarrassed to ask...so Steve, as my devoted other half, always did it for me. I am still a lucky girl, just with a smaller ass that makes getting around much easier. Some days are harder than others, but I try to remember where I was this time last year and take things one day at a time.
Me and my beautiful cousin Becky. May, 2014
My mom, me and my other beautiful cousin, Lyndsey. May, 2014
Me and my boys, Graham and Simon. May, 2014
Me and Steve. May, 2014
