the new girl...

I was standing in the middle of my local Lane Bryant a couple of weeks ago searching for new activewear. I had been trying very hard to rein in my spending as it relates to my clothing budget, but losing eighty pounds doesn't give one much choice. I was standing there, looking around, when I realized that for the first time in 27 years I no longer belonged there. It was a hell of a revelation after having little to no choice in the matter for most of my adult life. I was more intimidated than excited, to be honest. Outside of Gap and Target, I had no idea where to begin my new venture into the world of average-sized women's fashion. Oh well; just one of adjustments I have had to make in my life lately.

A funny thing happens when you try to adapt a healthier lifestyle...if you work hard enough at it, you lose weight...but adapting to the physical changes are cake compared to the mental and emotional changes. I am a very different girl than the one that was sitting here one year ago. That girl was a people pleaser...she desperately wanted you to like her, and would put up with almost anything to keep you. Not this girl. It sounds terrible, but I just can't muster up the energy to put up with the crap that I used to. There has been a definite shift in perspective...and it has carried over to all aspects of my life.

A few years ago, my little family moved to the Midwest and I was forced to establish myself in a new town...and with this came new friendships. The community I moved to was very close knit and family oriented. Many of the people I met in this area grew up here, and as a result they already had busy social calendars. Making friends was not easy. I bounced around and settled into a nice handful of girlfriends. I was in desperate need of female friends at that time, and some of my choices were questionable at best. I don't want to blame my poor judgement on my weight alone, but I was a new stay at home mom, and my self confidence was waning.

I had a very tumultuous relationship with one of these girls in particular that lasted entirely too long. She worked diligently to chip away at my self esteem as it related to my looks, my weight, and my family. She once acknowledged something that she felt I was already aware that I was good at by telling me she would never compliment me on it because she didn't want to "give me" that. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...the thought of holding back support or admiration of one of my friends because I feel they are already confident in that area was such a foreign and twisted concept to me. I couldn't imagine being hesitant to build up one of my friends...isn't that what makes a good friend? I endured a fair amount of pain and anguish with that particular friendship for many years. I remember leaving the house, excited to hang out with this girl, only to come home insecure and deflated. She always had her weight over me...in more ways than one. This "friend" made me aware on many occasions that my size made me less desirable in men's eyes...and as much as I tried to explain that it might have as much to do with my confidence, I believed the things she said to me. They made me feel terrible, and messed with my head....and she liked it that way.

Over the past nine years, I've been lucky enough to form some good, solid friendships. I walked away from the ones that I didn't feel were healthy for me. The friends I have now have supported me through some of the most dynamic years of my life. They have listened to me yammer on about every minute detail of this weight loss journey and they haven't left my side. They have held me up on tough days, and celebrated with me on the awesome ones. I am blessed beyond measure...that much I know.

It is sad, but as much as I find myself pointing the finger at how poorly others treated me when I was plus sized, it has become glaringly obvious to me that by not expecting more of others, I wasn't treating myself any better than they were.  The irony is definitely not lost on me. I wish I could go back and give my fat self a pep-talk, but in the end, the journey is what brought me to this point, and I wouldn't trade this for anything...