My local Lane Bryant is going out of business. Coincidence? I don't think so. I was their best customer until six months ago. Now I can just walk into any old store and find something that fits...it's as easy as it is dangerous.
I am within two pounds of my goal weight, but if you ask me, I'd say I'm done. I am at a weight I can live with in more ways than one. I can still eat the things I love, just in moderation. I have found that sweet spot that I can come back to after eating with reckless abandon over vacation...as long as I get back on the wagon when I get home, I'm good.
This new body has made me realize that unless I am dead or dying, I'll never be a size six, and I'm 100% okay with that. I watch those waif little girls gallop through the gym and I still find myself wondering what it must feel like to be so small. I will never know...and I am unwilling to torture and starve myself for a goal that is truly unattainable for me. The truth is, I will never be able to relate to those girls on that level. To them, I will always be a fat girl. Let's face it: after they pop out a couple of kids, they will probably find themselves at my current weight and run to the nearest Weight Watchers in sheer horror. It is a little unnerving when I actually consider the fact that my goal weight is a starting point for some women's weight loss journeys.
I recently took a family vacation to Michigan and tried my best to step out of my comfort zone. Though I work out at the gym regularly, I had yet to challenge myself with outdoor activities (outside of a few minor hikes and a couple of attempts at snowshoeing). I hiked Sleeping Bear Dunes http://www.nps.gov/slbe/planyourvisit/index.htm and kayaked on the Crystal River http://www.crystalriveroutfitters.com/kayak-canoe-trips/....I even allowed a few full body shots and didn't stand behind the group. I found myself staring at my photos in disbelief...I still can't identify with the girl in the pictures. My brain has yet to catch up with my body size. I kept asking my husband if I really look like the photos. I just can't wrap my brain around it.
It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how many pounds I lose, my inner fat girl is always lurking in the background...trying to sneak in the back row of the group shot, sticking out her neck in the photo to avoid the dreaded double chin and tugging at her shirt to cover her fat stomach. She still feels the pang of anxiety at the thought of crossing a crowded room.
I could settle into old behaviors like a comfortable pair of shoes. I now find myself having to stop from making self-deprecating jokes about my weight to other women. In the past, it was how I related to them and such a natural part of my personality. I identified with overweight women and felt such a connection to them. That's not to say that I no longer feel a kinship with them, because I do...but unless I walk around with a tattoo across my forehead that says I've lost 98 pounds, they probably don't realize that we share similar demons.
So here I sit, contemplating the next phase of this journey and hoping I can do it justice. I'm still taking it one day at a time and working towards my fitness and personal goals for the future.
Kayaking on the Crystal River
Shore of Lake Michigan
Penninsula State Park, Door County
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